Divisionaries
Divisionaries

Week 3 — Detroit Finally Wins At Something!

By - Sep 30th, 2009 09:10 am
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DIVISIONARIESWeek 3 Recap

Detroit Lions 19, Washington Redskins 14

Detroit Lions held on for their first victory since December 23, 2007, after a thrillingly mismanaged Washington drive fizzled in the closing seconds. Unfortunately, the game was blacked-out on local television due in part to the Lions’ then 19-game losing streak. Rookie QB Matt Stafford looked relatively good for the Lions, whose players came back out of the locker room after the game to shake hands with the shell-shocked fans who were still processing the idea that their team had actually won.

Chicago Bears 25, Seattle Seahawks 19

Missing seven starters, including QB Matt Hasselbeck, the Seattle Seahawks looked for any advantage they could find against the Bears. Apparently, that meant attempting the little-used “optical assault,” deploying their new neon-green alternate jerseys to the dismay of retinas and light-sensitive camera equipment everywhere.

Before the Bears’ eyes could adjust, Seattle took a quick 13-0 lead early in the second quarter, but handsome Jay Cutler kept it close from then on, ultimately hitting Devin Hester with a 36-yard touchdown pass that put the Bears ahead for good with less than two minutes to play. Seattle kicker Olindo Mare, doing his best Jeff Reed impersonation, missed two momentum-killing field goals in the game. Seahawks WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh was last seen eating his words at a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.

Green Bay Packers 36, St. Louis Rams 17

Aaron Rodgers threw for 2 TDs and ran for another in a relatively close game against the hapless St. Louis Rams. A blocked field goal and two fumble recoveries only yielded 9 first quarter points for the Pack and the Rams came within 6 points of the lead in the third quarter. Nevertheless, the Packers offense powered through in the fourth quarter to score 14 points and put the game away with enough time left to start preparing for next week’s game against the Vikings.

Silver lining! Thanks to the Lions victory, St. Louis now has ownership of the longest active losing streak at 13 games and counting.

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KELSEY GRAMMER'S COMPENDIUM OF NFL FASHION FAUX PASOur resident fashion critic, Kelsey Grammer, drops bon mots on what’s not hot in the NFL

Warmest wishes, dear readers, from this side of the stylograph and welcome to my compendium of NFL fashion faux pas. If there’s one thing a connoisseur of the hog skin such as myself enjoys, it’s the beautiful spectacle of sporting competition when two teams tussle spiritedly and fashionably. That’s why nothing makes me melancholy more than the sad pageant of sloppy haberdashery on and off the gridiron. Allow me, dear reader, to enumerate a few of the most vexing specimens of fashion fatuity from cet jeune saison!

1. Seattle’s Fluorescent Green Uniforms

Heavens no! A color like that is only appropriate in two scenarios: being buried alive in the Swiss Alps, or sipping mint julips on The Downs — both of which can snow you over considerably, I dare say!

2. The Detroit Lions Uniform Makeover

Heavens no! I can accommodate the Lions front office’s desire to start over fresh like a phoenix rising from its own fiery ashes, but this redesign is for the birds! Am I watching the Lions or the Carolina Panthers? It’s like trying to distinguish a late-period Edouard Manet from an early-period Claude Monet!

3. Denver Broncos Head Coach Josh McDaniels’ Sweatshirts and Surliness

Heavens no! Josh’s hooded sweater-shirts and churlish act are mimeographed from the Bill Belichick playbook of decorum. A glimpse of this brute stalking the sidelines bedecked in a ghastly hooded pullover reminds moi that imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but such unflattering ensembles entreat no imitators. GUFFAW!

4. Fatheads

Heavens no! Undoubtedly, a good number of Neanderthals like to behold a life-size NFL footballer’s representation upon their living room wall, but to them I inquire, “Why would I want to feel that this chilling barbarian is dashing at me while I sit pondering the intricacies of Dante’s Divine Comedy?” I say, it seems quite an abominable feeling!

5. The San Francisco 49ers’ Sloppy Switch of Head Coaches

Heavens no! The 49ers banished the best dressed coach in the NFL, Mike Nolan, for a Dickie-wearing brute that’s more likely to drop his trousers than pick up a copy of Cafe Nervosa: The Connoisseur’s Cookbook. San Francisco may have Frank Sinatra’s heart, but it’ll never again possess the panache of Mike Nolan’s three-piece suits!

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The Bengals have a better record than both of last year’s Super Bowl teams and the Broncos and Jets are undefeated. Somewhere there’s a gambler signing over the title to his 1985 Buick Riviera, an innocent victim of NFL parity.

Week 4 presents two NFC North matchups — Lions vs. Bears and Packers vs. Vikings. Plus, it’s the final week before we announce the first-quarter loser in the Divisionaries Pick’em contest. A customized Detroit Lions T-shirt is currently en route to the Divisionaries’ Chicago office, where it will be flashdance’d before being presented to the loser at a special ceremony on Saturday, Oct. 10 at The Orbit Room in the beautiful Chicago neighborhood of Avondale, Logan Square’s shifty next door neighbor.

Here are the current standings:

Brian Howe Battle: 8—2

Rob Vosters:  7—3

Matt Kroll: 7—3

Kenny Bernat: 6—4

And here’s our picks:

Bears over Lions (Consensus Pick)

Matthew Stafford spends the day on the ground but makes up for it by spending his Monday at Navy Pier. Jay Cutler throws for over 300 yards. Nathan Vasher plays hangman on a TI-88.  —KB

The Bears defense confuses Matt Stafford by e-mailing him the wrong MapQuest directions, handing Jay Cutler a victory in the inaugural Cutler/Stafford Bowl Haircut Bowl. —RV

Vikings over Packers (Rob, of course, picks Packers.  Brian, Matt and Kenny pick Vikings)

After his 10th sack, Vikings DE Jared Allen blows a rotator cuff during a high-difficulty celebration attempt. Despite convincing pathos, Aaron Rodgers’ piercing glares at his receiving corp fail to yield actual points. —BB

Brett Favre reluctantly asks Packers if Aaron Rodgers is their soulmate during an awkward second quarter. Packers hold Adrian Peterson under 100 yards, but Ryan Grant breaks three toes. —KB

Follow Divisionaries on Twitter for up-to-the-second coverage of the Lions’ secret to eternal success, continuing coverage of Minnesota sports writers’ Favre-induced pants jizzing and some actual football news.

Divisionaries is created by Rob Vosters (Milwaukee), Brian Howe Battle, Kenny Bernat and Matt Kroll (Chicago).

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