Save Us From Favre! (18-14)
No, the other Favre…
Dear Ken Macha,
Another series, Ken, and another victory — against the Cubs, no less. The bullpen shut down hitters when it mattered most and the offense perpetrated the most heinous form of mockery in modern baseball: the Craig Counsell homerun. It’s starting to look like the beginning of the season was just a terrible, late night cheddarwurst induced nightmare.
But don’t put those TUMS away just yet, Ken. There’s something far worse than a Ryan Braun brushback pitch to the helmet coming your way.
You’re new around these parts, Ken, so you may not have heard about the yearly local news orgy that is “Favre Watch! 200_.” You have been hiding in the bathroom a lot since Trevor Hoffman rejoined the team.
See, what happens is every year we spend way too much time worrying about whether or not Brett Favre is going to play football. Sound silly? Well, it is! But that’s what we do around here — cling to our past moments of greatness, never letting them go until each of our fingers have been individually pried away during the Sturm und Drang of recognizing that we can’t be what we were. Favre is just the largest manifestation of this feeling ever felt by the state’s baby boomers. In terms you might understand, it’s kind of like when in 2005 your contract with the Oakland A’s ended and GM Billy Beane didn’t resign you, but then six days later you were rehired. Now imagine that scenario happened annually for eight years!
Why does this matter to you, Ken? Because if it happens again, and it looks like it might, you’re going to be competing for precious fan attention with The Gunslinger. If the Crew starts an ill-timed losing streak during the upcoming week and Favre Watch! continues unabated, you should be prepared to suffer with this monotonous non-story for the rest of the summer, leeching the media attention you rightfully deserve. But, if you can keep the good times rolling along up to and through the looming road trip through St. Louis, Houston and Minnesota you might be able to deprive the Favre media hydra of the attention it craves long enough to keep the focus on your well-playing team. That’ll put even more fans in the seats and a little extra scrilla in Mark Attanasio’s diamond-studded Brewers money clip.
You’re also going to have to protect Ryan Braun from sassy announcers. Ryan’s mammoth home run off on Saturday unleashed the fury of Cub’s announcer Bob Brenly, who thought Braun was a little too hot with his home run trot. As nice as Bob Brenly is — my friend, Kenny, can confirm this after sitting next to him on a Friday morning Amtrak train back to Chicago — he’s completely wrong about Ryan. Braun’s enthusiasm is a delight to watch, even if I can understand how frustrating it might be for opposing teams and their fans to witness.
Favre Week starts off with what should be a pleasant home series against the floundering Marlins. Keep your team focused, Ken, and let’s give the state’s sportsfans a new moment they can cling to until Macha Watch 2020!