Matt Wild

Dumb Milwaukee

By - Jan 1st, 2009 02:52 pm

For all its charming neighborhoods, diverse ethnic fests and numerous places to get shitfaced, Milwaukee remains a uniquely dumb city. Just look back at 2008: between fighting off “hordes” of tourists pouring in by the hour to catch a glimpse of the Bronze Fonz (thanks, Visit Milwaukee!), and playing host to the “countless” not-shot-on-crappy-digital-video films starring non-local, non-crappy actors (thanks, Film Wisconsin!), Milwaukee still found time to let its residential streets go to hell, mull a city-wide smoking ban and continue to employ both Scott Walker and Gus Gnorski. Truly a banner year.

So, as we roll up our collective sleeves and prepare for yet another year in our dear city, I thought it might be useful to provide a preview of a few dumb things Milwaukee will almost surely have in store for us in 2009. Please note that the following are more of the “roll your eyes and gently shake your head” variety of dumb, as opposed to downright evil (New Land Enterprises building more condos) or aggressively stupid (oh, I don’t know, Riverwest printing its own money).

More dumb events

A surefire way for Milwaukee to remain dumb in 2009 is to continue appropriating dumb events that other cities started doing five or ten years ago. This isn’t to say Milwaukee is “behind the times” in any way; I’m just suggesting that stupid shit like bondage shows and the thing where people read from their junior high school diaries should stay in the stupid cities from whence they came. Like Chicago.

So for coming year, get ready for a whole lotta dumb: drunken spelling bees, warmed-over trivia nights, headache-inducing burlesque shows, and – God help me – Pecha Kucha. What’s Pecha Kucha, you ask? (Believe me, in about two minutes, you’ll wish you hadn’t.) Basically, it’s your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pay $15 to watch a bunch of slide shows. Yup. Slide shows. There are a bunch of dumb rules involved, though the only one you’ll be interested in is the one that limits each presentation to six minutes. What’s more, Pecha Kucha is a trademarked, nationally-branded event, making it something of a T.G.I. Friday’s in the realm of homebrewed hipster slide shows.

(Unlike similar columns of the past, I’m not including roller derby in this list, a phenomenon I once wrote off as “ridiculous” and “not a real sport.” After some first-hand research throughout 2008, I can now attest that roller derby is indeed a real sport, partly because of the tremendous amount of athletic talent on display, and partly because attending a single bout costs about as much as a real sport.)

More cool places closing, more dumb ones opening

By now, we’ve all heard that after nearly three decades of service, Atomic Records will close up shop this February. While this is undoubtedly a tragedy (albeit one in which we have no one to blame but ourselves), it still pales in comparison to the knowledge that a criminally stupid place like Farwell Avenue’s Shag can manage to re-open. Yes, Milwaukee, we can all bask in the knowledge that while we’re down to just a handful of independent records shops, we have a “new” overpriced boutique that specializes in “funny” and “ironic” t-shirts. Aficionados of “Erin Go Braless!” apparel and/or genital herpes rejoice!

More dumb local celebrities

While nearly every city worth its salt has a few homegrown celebs, Milwaukee seems to have some of the dumbest. And after you consider that “Crazy Ray” and that one eXpressions Journal dude are amongst our colorful local personalities, you’ll realize just how right I am.

In 2009, expect John McGivern to periodically drop in on local newscasts shilling his latest cornball comedies, the guy from Animal House and that Twisted Sister video popping up on the radio (and always refusing to talk about the two things that made him semi-famous approximately 200 years ago), and Mark Borchardt being inexplicably interviewed for some local publication’s “What have you been up to, dude?” pieces. Of course, all the Mark Metcalfs and (shudder) Frank Caliendos in the world can’t possibly tarnish the luster of our best and brightest local star, Mr. Baseball himself, Bob Fucking Uecker.

Disclaimer: Let me just say that I truly do love our city – it’s just that mentioning how everything is wonderful and interesting isn’t very funny, and better left to other writers and publications. Also, I’ve been listening to the excellent new Quinn Scharber and the… album, Being Nice Won’t Save Milwaukee – and have perhaps been taking the title a little too much to heart. It’s a really good album, and one you should definitely check out. See? There’s something good about this town. Oh, and that other band, Canyons of Static. Have you heard these guys? Have you seen these guys? Incredible. Absolutely incredible. VS

Leave a Reply

You must be an Urban Milwaukee member to leave a comment. Membership, which includes a host of perks, including an ad-free website, tickets to marquee events like Summerfest, the Wisconsin State Fair and the Florentine Opera, a better photo browser and access to members-only, behind-the-scenes tours, starts at $9/month. Learn more.

Join now and cancel anytime.

If you are an existing member, sign-in to leave a comment.

Have questions? Need to report an error? Contact Us